Ramblings

I'm exhausted. This week is my first attempt at attending boot camp four times a week, as opposed to the usual three times. I had my third class this morning at 6, and I am beat, but feeling good and proud of myself. I know I talk about BC incessantly, but I have to say, I feel it's the best thing I've done for myself in a long, long, looong time. I'm investing in MYSELF. Not my baby, not my husband, not my family, my friends or my job... ME. I'm the one benefiting. And I'm challenging myself, all body, mind, and spirit. I've always been the girl who works out for several months, then quits for several months, and so on. This time, I feel so differently. I'm managing to create time for bettering myself, and everything else is falling in line around it. I feel quicker to the punch, capable, more confident, and just all-around more LIVELY. Shortly before my first class, I was feeling so down... so purposeless and just wondering what was going to be of me. I've come to the conclusion that once you become a mom, if you don't provide outlets for yourself to BE and to grow outside of being a mom, you can easily slip and slide into the mindset of feeling that your life does not belong to you at all anymore. (which, in a sense, it really doesn't... but you know what i mean) You can get very discouraged if only because of your exhaustion, and your sense of feeling overwhelmed at being NEEDED all the time. Or at least feeling needed all the time. I never thought it would be quite so tiring.

Let me put a little disclaimer here... I LOVE LOVE LOVE and adore my daughter. There is nothing that she could do or that she does to make me regret or even question her presence in my life. On the contrary, I can't imagine a life without her. It would seem so unfulfilling... so incomplete. If I woke up tomorrow and realized it had all been a dream, me and my husband would immediately try to have children. Trust me, we've had this conversation. NEVERTHELESS, it is a challenge... and it is hard. And there are days where I wonder if she will EVER go. down. for. her. flipping. nap!!! I will look constantly at the time and try to figure out how long till naptime... Luckily, I do have a child who is relatively good about naptime. But there are days. Lately, as of the last month or more, she has become extremely clingy, and really dependent on me especially. Not that this is unusual behavior for a child of ten months, but it can wear you out when every time you walk down the hallway, or into another room, you immediately hear crying and whining. Followed by the inevitable shuffling of little knees and hands on the floor in the general direction of where she thinks you might be. Despite my wishing she would be content playing on her own for a bit, I do have to smile when I hear her coming my way. Thus, the emotional roller coaster of motherhood. Lately, while we're home together, I'll go to "the ladies room" and while I'm in there, I hear her coming my way, and she'll stop in the doorway, peek her head in to see if I'm there, and get this huge smile on her face. Not totally in the bathroom... just peeking in. Maybe she realizes in some way that this is one place where mom needs a little privacy. She's so smart.

In other news... I'm ecstatic that it is Christmastime. I'm loving every second of it. I turn my tree on whenever I am at home, and for once, I'm actually proud of my tree!!! Even my Grinch-y husband seems to be enjoying Christmas this year, which is absolutely great. Not great, MARVELOUS. It's not that he's a grinch, although he kind of is... It's that, for one, he loves Thanksgiving, and he gets a bit defensive over the fact that immediately after Halloween the Christmas trees are out for sale, and everything seems to just skip right over November. For two, he hates the fact that people get so motivated buy buying presents. He can't stand crowds in the first place, so having to buy things for loved ones with money you normally don't have, in a mall where you normally don't like to be, with a bunch of people who are focused, and will run you over and kill your children if you threaten their chance at getting that last CD rack or Limited Edition whatever-Elmo, is not exactly his favorite thing to dol I'm sure it doesn't help that I gave him a list of ideas this year. =) But, hey, I knew he was having trouble thinking of something, and I ASKED him if he wanted ideas, and he said yes. SO, if he ever gives you the whole story about how I sent him a list, that, my friends, is the REAL STORY.

In other, other news... I FINALLY finished Marie Antoinette. I say finally, because it took me a nice, long, two months to read. Not that I regret it. I'm now feeling the need to research the entire French Revolution, as well as everyone involved, because I'm determined to find out whether it's justified to hate someone as much as the French hated her. If you are interested at all in reading historical biographies (i guess they are all technically historical) I would certainly recommend reading about her. Her life was fascinating, and tragic. The brutality of the French Revolution is nothing short of shocking, and the more I read about it now, the more I am horrified by the mob mentality during that time. I have been reading so much on Wikipedia while I'm at my computer during the day (working, of course), and I do mean all day. Because Wikipedia has this way of forcing you to click on nearly every link throughout every article, which then draws you into more articles... It's extremely addicting.

But not as addicting as this new computer game I found. JIGZONE.COM, people. Jigsaw puzzles online, are you kidding me!??!
Man, what a blessed life I lead. =)