Renewal

Romans 12:1-2
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
YOu know... I have grown up as a Christian. Going to Christian schools, going to church every Sunday, every Wednesday, youth camp every summer... My grandpa was a minister, all our family friends were Christians, all my friends were Christians. The whole idea of going to public school was completely foreign to me. Actually, it terrified me. I always thought all kids who went to public school got drunk and were gangsters. =) 
Anyways, my point is this... When I got saved, I was 4 or 5, I honestly can't remember because I was so young. I just know that between hearing the story of Corrie ten Boom, and seeing the musical, "The Singer", I decided that I wanted to love Jesus. I knew He loved me, and I knew He wanted me to know Him and love Him back. I just knew. And I remember after seeing The Singer, which is basically an allegorical musical about the Gospels, (allegorical musical... did I say that right?! maybe it's just an allegory... or metaphor... whatever. You know what I mean) I cried and cried, because I just felt like my heart was going to burst!! I could not believe this man died for me! Died so that I could have eternal life... so I could experience hope, faith, love, freedom, and peace in this world where those things are so hard to come by. Of course, I didn't think of ALL those things right then... I was 5. But I did cry for a long time b/c I just knew Jesus loved me. I promised God that I would witness to 10 people before I was 21. Well, that did not happen.
As I've grown older, grown into this world, and gotten pretty darn comfortable in it, even with all those public school kids =),  I started having a lot of questions about my faith. I didn't feel all those "heart-bursting" feelings like I did when I was little. At least not all the time. And I think, because I was so sheltered (which I always think is a copout, but there is some truth to it... I was scared of people who weren't like me!), sharing my faith with people who didn't know about it, seemed terrifying. And, to be honest, there's still a part of me that shies away from it. I think there are a few reasons for this, which I have finally come to grips with. 1) I think many Christians in the world have made a bad name for Christianity. I honestly believe sometimes, that the biggest detriment to Christianity are the Christians themselves!! And I don't exclude myself from that either. I completely take responsibility for not being the best poster child for "who God desires me to be". That's a whole other discussion... 2) I think that because I had questions about what I believed, I felt like it wouldn't be right for me to try to talk to others about it. Because what if they asked me a bunch of questions, and I couldn't answer them, and they would thnk I was a phony!! 
But here's the deal... If I didn't have questions about the Lord, if I knew all there was to know about Him, what kind of God would that be?!?! A God that I understand everything about... know all there is to know, and have no further knowledge or truth to find out about Him... That's like, knowing a person. Knowing a story, and all the chapters, and all the parts, and the end, doesn't make me want to continue reading over and over and over. (Unless it's like, a REALLY good book... but you get what I'm saying) Anyways, I would rather worship a God who knows WAY more than me, who understands me better than myself... Who knows where I will be in 20 years, and who I can constantly learn things about, get revelation about... have a relationship with and experience new things with. A God who cares about my life, even though He doesn't have to!! Just because He loves me!! It is truly amazing to know that Jesus Christ really loves me. Loves who I am... Made me who I am!! It's taken me sooo long to be able to understand this, and come to grips with. And I will always have questions about Him... I will always be human, and will make mistakes... But no matter what, He loves me! He desires me to know Him! And when people in this world look down on me, give up on me, dislike me, ridicule me, HE LOVES ME and despite the fact that I don't always like myself, or who I am, I know HE created me as I am. He brought me to life... thought of me before I was born... knows the things in my heart, the horrible thoughts I've had, the horrible things I've done... The people I've wronged, the things I've never asked forgiveness for! and He still loves me. He still forgives me... And every day, He gives me another opportunity to live FREE from worry, FREE from despair and discouragement and depression!!! But I have to choose to accept it... choose to not let my mind go places it doesn't need to go... choose not to let life discourage me or worry me... And it is HARD!! But, love is always a choice. Love is always a conscious decision... I choose to love Jesus!!! 
I quoted Romans at the beginning, because my question for God right now is, what needs to be renewed in my mind?! I know that my mind is where everything originates, my thoughts, my actions before I even do them, my stress, my worry... So, to make the right choices every day, I have to have my mind renewed. I need to let God bring His positivity and refreshing encouragement and hope into my mind. I have to choose to live in peace, because it is SO easy for me to slip down that slope into discouragement. So, my prayer today is that God will show me where I can continue to change, and grow, and become better. 
Anyways... that's what's on my mind!!!!!