Renewal

Romans 12:1-2
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
YOu know... I have grown up as a Christian. Going to Christian schools, going to church every Sunday, every Wednesday, youth camp every summer... My grandpa was a minister, all our family friends were Christians, all my friends were Christians. The whole idea of going to public school was completely foreign to me. Actually, it terrified me. I always thought all kids who went to public school got drunk and were gangsters. =) 
Anyways, my point is this... When I got saved, I was 4 or 5, I honestly can't remember because I was so young. I just know that between hearing the story of Corrie ten Boom, and seeing the musical, "The Singer", I decided that I wanted to love Jesus. I knew He loved me, and I knew He wanted me to know Him and love Him back. I just knew. And I remember after seeing The Singer, which is basically an allegorical musical about the Gospels, (allegorical musical... did I say that right?! maybe it's just an allegory... or metaphor... whatever. You know what I mean) I cried and cried, because I just felt like my heart was going to burst!! I could not believe this man died for me! Died so that I could have eternal life... so I could experience hope, faith, love, freedom, and peace in this world where those things are so hard to come by. Of course, I didn't think of ALL those things right then... I was 5. But I did cry for a long time b/c I just knew Jesus loved me. I promised God that I would witness to 10 people before I was 21. Well, that did not happen.
As I've grown older, grown into this world, and gotten pretty darn comfortable in it, even with all those public school kids =),  I started having a lot of questions about my faith. I didn't feel all those "heart-bursting" feelings like I did when I was little. At least not all the time. And I think, because I was so sheltered (which I always think is a copout, but there is some truth to it... I was scared of people who weren't like me!), sharing my faith with people who didn't know about it, seemed terrifying. And, to be honest, there's still a part of me that shies away from it. I think there are a few reasons for this, which I have finally come to grips with. 1) I think many Christians in the world have made a bad name for Christianity. I honestly believe sometimes, that the biggest detriment to Christianity are the Christians themselves!! And I don't exclude myself from that either. I completely take responsibility for not being the best poster child for "who God desires me to be". That's a whole other discussion... 2) I think that because I had questions about what I believed, I felt like it wouldn't be right for me to try to talk to others about it. Because what if they asked me a bunch of questions, and I couldn't answer them, and they would thnk I was a phony!! 
But here's the deal... If I didn't have questions about the Lord, if I knew all there was to know about Him, what kind of God would that be?!?! A God that I understand everything about... know all there is to know, and have no further knowledge or truth to find out about Him... That's like, knowing a person. Knowing a story, and all the chapters, and all the parts, and the end, doesn't make me want to continue reading over and over and over. (Unless it's like, a REALLY good book... but you get what I'm saying) Anyways, I would rather worship a God who knows WAY more than me, who understands me better than myself... Who knows where I will be in 20 years, and who I can constantly learn things about, get revelation about... have a relationship with and experience new things with. A God who cares about my life, even though He doesn't have to!! Just because He loves me!! It is truly amazing to know that Jesus Christ really loves me. Loves who I am... Made me who I am!! It's taken me sooo long to be able to understand this, and come to grips with. And I will always have questions about Him... I will always be human, and will make mistakes... But no matter what, He loves me! He desires me to know Him! And when people in this world look down on me, give up on me, dislike me, ridicule me, HE LOVES ME and despite the fact that I don't always like myself, or who I am, I know HE created me as I am. He brought me to life... thought of me before I was born... knows the things in my heart, the horrible thoughts I've had, the horrible things I've done... The people I've wronged, the things I've never asked forgiveness for! and He still loves me. He still forgives me... And every day, He gives me another opportunity to live FREE from worry, FREE from despair and discouragement and depression!!! But I have to choose to accept it... choose to not let my mind go places it doesn't need to go... choose not to let life discourage me or worry me... And it is HARD!! But, love is always a choice. Love is always a conscious decision... I choose to love Jesus!!! 
I quoted Romans at the beginning, because my question for God right now is, what needs to be renewed in my mind?! I know that my mind is where everything originates, my thoughts, my actions before I even do them, my stress, my worry... So, to make the right choices every day, I have to have my mind renewed. I need to let God bring His positivity and refreshing encouragement and hope into my mind. I have to choose to live in peace, because it is SO easy for me to slip down that slope into discouragement. So, my prayer today is that God will show me where I can continue to change, and grow, and become better. 
Anyways... that's what's on my mind!!!!!

Watching a show I don't want to watch...

Niles is making me watch this show, "Kidnapped"... and I just want to watch the Grey's Anatomy finale. So, here's me blogging...
These are the books I plan on reading this year:
1. Wuthering Heights- I'm actually reading it right now... LOVE it. I'm at the part where Heathcliff has come back and is living at WUthering Heights, and Isabella Linton is falling in love with him. There's so much left in the book, and I'm so excited!!
2. Jane Eyre - My aunt is always telling me how great this book is, so I plan on actually reading it this year.
3. Anna Karenina - (Leo Tolstoy) yet another book my aunt goes on and on about.
4. I am also re-reading the Harry Potter series. Yes, I realize I'm a nerd... I already wrote a blog about that.
5. The Scarlet Letter (Nathaniel Hawthorne)
6. Sense and Sensibility - (Jane Austen) I started this book last year after reading Pride and Prejudice. I was SO bored with it! But it's haunting me b/c I quit in the middle. I just have to finish it. It's a sickness.
7. Bel Canto - yet one more book I didn't finish, but I started it like, 3 years ago. So, i just have to go back. It better be good.
8. I Know This Much Is True - (Wally Lamb) I read She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb, and despite a few disturbing and depressing parts, it was great. The writing was so great... So, hopefully this one will be as good.
9. Mere Christianity -(CS Lewis) I should have read this years ago.
10. not sure yet.

I read an article in Vogue the other day about Marie Antoinette... Sofia Coppola is doing a movie on her, and I'm dying to see it. So, after I read this story in Vogue, I want to read all about her. Even though she seems like a selfish idiot, her life still seems fascinating. And I would love to go to France and visit all the places she lived and helped create...

Anyways, Grey's Anatomy is on now... Tomorrow is the premiere and I am so excited! But Niles never saw the finale from last year, so this is his first time to watch it. And, I'm equally excited to watch that.
Gotta go!

I'm a nerd

So, my husband totally thinks I'm the biggest nerd on the planet. And, I'm going to confess. I really, really am. I just can't help it. I mean, to be honest, isn't there a big nerd in all of us?!? truthfully?? Or is it really me? But, okay, so, here's why I'm a nerd.
I am obsessed with Making the Band 3. Like, really obsessed. It's ridiculous. I've watched every episode of every season several times. Maybe because I was pregnant the first two seasons, but I got a wee bit emotionally involved. What can you do?! Anyways, here's the nerdy part. I talked 5 of my girlfriends, maybe 6, into driving to Austin to go see "the band" at a signing.
i know.
i know.
But, thankfully, I have great girlfriends, who, I'm sure, think it's adorable that I want to go so bad. =)
So, here's the second thing that makes me extremely nerdy.
Harry Freakin' Potter.
I just love him. I love the books, i love the movies... Except for the third one.
Anyways, the extent of my nerdiness in this respect was realized when I bought the sixth book. Here's exactly what happened. I convinced Niles to take me to the bookstore THE DAY it came out. Of course, getting ridiculed by Niles the entire time. Then, as I'm waiting in line to pay, I actually start READING the book. reading the book in line... seriously. (sigh). Finally, I'm reading the book... I get to the end, and b/c of how the book ends... I cry. tears. seriously.
oh Lord.
I really, really am a total nerd. But, I really think it ends there. Otherwise, I'm completely awesome.

A Driver Obsessed

I'm an obsessive driver. I have road issues. But I think I've figured it out. I have a love-hate relationship with the highway. Here are my latest observations...
1) I've realized that for me, there are few things more therapeutic than driving fast, windows down, with really great music. Even my road rage can take a backseat, if the traffic is relatively minimal... I even make driving playlists. =)::
"Hotel Roosevelt" - Augustana
"Uptown Girl" - Billy Joel (oh my gosh, I FREAKING LOVE this song. it makes me happy)
"Wild World" - Cat Stephens
"This Woman, This Man" - Clay Walker
"Yellow" - Coldplay
"Linger" - Cranberries
"I Believe in a Thing Called Love" - The Darkness
"Hundred" - The Fray
"Headlock" - IMogen Heap
"The Walk" - Imogen Heap
"I Am in Love With You" - Imogen Heap
"Waiting on the World to Change" - John Mayer
"Crystal Ball" - Keane
"Cherish" - Madonna
"This is the Last Time" - Keane
"Beast of Burden" - Rolling Stones
"Ice Cream" - Sarah MacLachlan
"In God's Country" - U2
"Stuck in a Moment" - U2
2) I love road trips. Especially with people who like them, too. Although, I have to say, the 13 hour trip to Nashville, does get a bit long. (visiting the in-laws) And even if I don't do the driving... I still get to sit there and read magazines. Thankfully, I don't get sick reading in the car.
3) I HATE driving on Grapevine Highway. Why do people insist on driving 40 mph!??!? It's a FORTY-FIVE MPH ROAD, PEOPLE! It's excruciating to me.
4) I really prefer to be first at a stoplight. What if the person in front of me doesn't immediately take off? What if they don't notice that the light has changed? What if their car breaks down, and since I'm right behind them, I'll never be able to get away!?!? It's horrible.
5) I HATE when people insist on driving RIGHT next to me. And like, they can't just speed up or slow down, like it doesn't even faze them. Maybe it's because I feel like they are staring into my car, or looking at me for too long... Maybe I just like my space. Which I do. But that's a whole other blog. Just... speed up... or slow down. Whatever. Get away from me. =)
6) Merging. Oh my word. Is it so hard for people to know how to merge!?!?! I mean, if I'm in a lane that ends... you HAVE TO LET ME OVER!!!! There's really no option avaialble. Don't be a punk.
7) I'm SO consumed with finding the fastest way to get home, or get anywhere actually... that I actually start thinking about it 30 or so minutes before I even leave. And then, everytime it seems like the way that I chose to go is more unfuriating or congested or slower than any other way I considered. So, basically, I am never happy with any route I choose.

There are so many things I could say about this topic. too many. I need to stop before I get too riled up.